Story Notes From Hell

A gay Watermelon Man

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 13:38:12 -0400

My partner and I were pitching our ideas for action comedies to a development exec. At the end of the session, he sat back in his chair.

Exec: Those were fun, but you know what I’d like?

Us: No, what?

Exec: A gay ‘Watermelon Man.’

Us: You mean like the Godfrey Cambridge thing?

Exec: Yeah, except gay. No one’s ever pitched me that.

"Tree Of Life isn’t a movie, it’s a 2 1/2 hour cinematography reel."

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 17:57:17 -0400

“Tree Of Life isn’t a movie, it’s a 2 1/2 hour cinematography reel.”

- Writer friend

Suspense theory

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 19:14:01 -0400

Studio exec’s theory on suspense:

“A guy takes a chicken outside the door, says: ‘I’m gonna fuck this chicken.’ He leaves. Now you’ve got suspense, see? You don’t know when he’s gonna fuck that chicken or if he even is gonna fuck that chicken. Do you race out there to defend the chicken? Do you? That’s suspense.”

What's the quadrant?

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 15:51:10 -0400

At the end of a pitch of a delightful, romantic comedy, the studio exec’s only comment was a question: “What’s the quadrant?”

Off our blank looks, he offered: “The four age groups a movie will appeal to are depicted in the quadrants of a pie chart of the movie-going demographics by age.”

We quipped that since ours was a family film it would appeal to all quadrants. He seemed miffed by this. “You gotta pick a quadrant.”

We randomly chose a quadrant and he seemed pleased. “Every screenwriter needs to know the quadrant he’s writing for. If you want to make it in this town, you gotta know your quadrants.”

Note: we still don’t know our quadrants nor do we care.

"How come no one has made an animated film about gay pigs? You should write a film about gay pigs."

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 21:44:40 -0400

“How come no one has made an animated film about gay pigs? You should write a film about gay pigs.”

- A producer’s advice on a new project

"Just make sure someone gets killed with a chainsaw. I have a great idea on how to shoot it."

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 16:01:25 -0400

“Just make sure someone gets killed with a chainsaw. I have a great idea on how to shoot it.”

- Director giving me a final note on a horror story treatment

High Concept

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 18:22:22 -0400

I was getting ready to graduate film school and was making the rounds at a pitch festival with a dark, character driven basketball drama. The first producer I pitched it to had some concerns:

Producer: Your main character’s not likable.

Me: The story’s not so much about him being likable as vulnerable.

Producer: Look, I’m not interested. Your main character’s not likable and there’s no high concept. What’s this story about in one sentence? What’s the high concept?

Me: The story’s about the world of college bas—

Producer: That’s not a high concept. A high concept is like… a dairy farmer who’s lactose intolerant. That’s a high concept.

My other pitches went better.

"There’s something about it that I’m not quite sure about. Make your monster more..."

Sat, 03 Sep 2011 22:23:41 -0400

““There’s something about it that I’m not quite sure about. Make your monster more realistic. Maybe it should come from outer space.””

- Producer after reading my horror film screenplay

Does he have to be gay?

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 18:51:58 -0400

Many years ago, I was a SR VP of Comedy (I’m now a writer) for a TV studio. We developed a pitch with the most flamboyantly, fabulously gay (male) writer who is quite well-known as a playwright in NY who writes primarily about gay men.

The pitch was basically a true and sweet and funny story about a gay man whose sister and small child come to live with him when her husband abandons her. The main character (the gay man) has just lost his lover to AIDS. I couldn’t believe this particular network - known more for its fat guys w/gorgeous wives than its textured, smart programming - had bought this pitch, but they claimed to loooove it.

However, when we turned the outline in, I had the following conversation with the Network exec:

Network: The main character seems so sad. Why is he so sad?

Me: Well, his lover has just died from AIDS, so he’s sad about that, I think.

Network: Oh no, that can’t be the reason he’s sad.

Me: OK, I can talk to the writer and see if he can kill his lover another way… though I think he likes the AIDS concept because it’s somewhat unique to the gay community.

Network: Well, that’s our other note: does the main character HAVE to be gay?

"Revolutionary Road is about two people who argue for two hours and then one of them dies."

Sun, 28 Aug 2011 15:50:06 -0400

“Revolutionary Road is about two people who argue for two hours and then one of them dies.”

- Writer friend who really hated Revolutionary Road

Give him a ghost

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 16:44:42 -0400

I was talking to someone who had worked in development and who had produced several films of her own. I had given her my script to read and give me notes on a week prior to her calling me and inviting me over for lunch. I arrived there excited that she had read my script.

Her: I haven’t read your script yet, but I’ll give you some notes anyway.

Me: But don’t you want to—

Her: How much do you know about structure?

Me: A lot.

Her: Where’s the first act end?

Me: Around page 30…

Her: That’s good. That’s good. Does your main character have a ghost?

Me: A…

Her: Ah, see, you don’t know what a ghost is. Your hero needs something in his past, something that drives him.

Me: Well, actually he does, sort of. It’s hard to explain. If you read the—

Her: As long as you give him a ghost, it’s fine. It could have been a long lost brother, or a family secret.

Me: I get you, but it’d probably be better if you read the script to see what I mean.

Her: No, that’s ok. I know what I’m talking about. People who refuse to use my notes never get produced.

Penguin Cop

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 15:16:49 -0400

One summer, I was working for a credit-less Producer. I did development for over twenty scripts that he was trying to get off the ground. One day, we were sitting outside of a Starbucks in Westwood and I had just pitched him two biopic ideas. I thought they were great stories, but the Producer shook his head. “Those sound like George Clooney movies, and no one likes George Clooney movies”, he said. I didn’t know how to respond.

The Producer began his pitch. “Here’s a movie I’ve been trying to get made for a while. A Detective loses his partner in the field. This guy is grizzled, tough. One day, he is in the Chief’s office. The Chief says to him, ‘You have to get a new partner’. The Detective argues that he doesn’t need one. The Chief says, ‘Too bad. Your new partner is on his way.’ Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. The Detective opens the door, but there is no one there. He looks side to side, then looks down. It’s a Penguin. The movie is Penguin Cop. You see the Detective and Penguin driving around town. The Detective is talking about a case, but the Penguin can’t respond because he is a penguin. The Penguin will help solve the case somehow, I don’t know.”

The Producer then points to a Harry Potter poster at the theater next door. “I can see it right there. It could be as big as Harry Potter.”

I want you to move to Compton

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 15:09:28 -0400

A producer interviewed me for a writing assignment. He had bought a pitch from another writer regarding gang wars in South LA, a story about the rise of rival gang leaders who were bothers. I was very interested in writing the story, but the producer had a request:

Producer: Where do you live?

Me: Century City.

Producer: I want you to move to Compton.

Me: Uh—

Producer: I want you to get some hands-on experience, see the place, experience it before you start writing.

Me: I dunno.

Producer: Just for six months. Live in Compton for six months, I guarantee you the writing will be a lot more authentic.

Me: I could visit Compton, take pictures—

Producer: Nono, you gotta experience it. Feel the place, the vibe. Try and get in touch with some people, talk to some gang members if you can.

Me: Hmm… Let me think about it.

The next day, I called him and politely turned down his offer.

Story Notes From Hell interviewed by indieWIRE

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 15:43:22 -0400

The guys over at indieWIRE recently published an interview with Story Notes From Hell, check it out. Special thanks to Steve Greene for the interview.

I’d also like to thank all our readers for helping the site grow to where it is today. And of course, thanks to the submitters for sharing their stories :)

Be sure to follow us on Twitter as well!

Legends in the lead

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 19:24:17 -0400

Not long ago I was pitching a spec script to an executive (who is now a producer) about two old friends who reunite on a road trip to Vegas.

Executive: Okay, have you thought about who would play these roles?

Me: Yes…

Executive: Who do you see in the lead?

Me: I would love to see Paul Newman and Robert Redford play these characters.

Executive: Nobody wants to work with them!

Me: Really?! (looking away in disbelief)

Set it in Appalachia. In 2019.

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 18:40:07 -0400

My first meeting as a young screenwriter:

I was sitting next to my manager, whom I didn’t even like, but was grateful for, across from some development people. They liked my indie script and asked what I was working on next.

Me: I was thinking about a serial killer that was working in Poland in the 60’s.

Exec: No. Poland doesn’t sell.

Me: What?

Exec: No one cares about Poland. Set it in Appalachia. (Exec stares at the wall, thinking.) In 2019.

Me: Futuristic? I wasn’t thinking about that.

Exec: Yeah, think about it. Post-Apocalyptic Appalachia.

My manager: She’s not writing a serial killer movie next. She’s writing a comedy.

Me (quietly to him): But I’m not a comedy writer.

My manager (patting my knee): Yes, yes, you are.

Jets, tanks, boats -- throw it all in!

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 21:59:00 -0400

A writer/producer hired me to write a treatment on an idea of his, a Three Kings-type story set in Afghanistan where a group of marines find $10 million in Al-Qaeda drug money and decide to keep it. I was about halfway finished with the treatment when the producer called me one night, around 3AM.

Producer: I spent the whole day playing this Battlefield game—have you played it?

Me: No.

Producer: It’s a military shooter with all kinds of stuff, jets, helicopters, tanks—it’s got everything and it’s fucking tense!

Me: It’s 3 AM.

Producer: We need that in the story.

Me: We need a game?

Producer: Jets, tanks, boats — throw it all in. An all out war. We can get the studios interested in this if it’s got huge action set pieces.

Me: You wanted it to be character-driven, low key—

Producer: Let’s try it this way. Start from scratch, these guys are part of a huge offensive against Al-Qaeda.

Me: Uh…

Producer: And the Russians are involved. Maybe the Saudis. They’re bankrolling the Afghans with hardware and tech.

Me: Let me think about it. I’ll call you tomorrow.

Producer: And try that game. It’s fucking tense.

"The hero spends 50 pages looking for a plot! Why the fuck are you wasting my time?!"

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 14:34:14 -0400

“The hero spends 50 pages looking for a plot! Why the fuck are you wasting my time?!”

- Pissed off producer’s note on my first script (which sucked badly).

This is worse than Inception

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 15:10:00 -0400

I have been writing scripts on and off since the late 90s. About a year ago, I handed in a spec script to a well-known and respected producer in town. The script was a sci-fi action thriller, dealing with parallel universes. He read it and completely tore it apart over the phone. Here’s how it began:

Producer: Remember Inception? It took them 40 minutes to explain the rules of the game and set the story up. Which left them with no time to develop characters, that’s why the film was populated by a bunch of cardboard cutouts.

Me: Well—

Producer: This is worse than Inception. You spend 35 pages setting it up, and the way you do it, it’s gonna end up being 45 minutes on screen. And it’s gonna feel like an hour.

Me: How do I—

Producer: Do the opposite: set it up in 10 pages or less, then spend more time on character development. You can weave in the other shit throughout the story, but don’t make people read 35 pages just to set the rules of the game.

He went on for an hour, completely destroying the script, destroying my self-confidence, and destroying my pre-conceived notion that Inception was an awesome film. (they do spend a lot of time explaining everything. And the characters are weak).

Nobody cares about the fucking dog

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 20:39:12 -0400

A producer was giving me feedback on a writing assignment I was doing for him, based on a pitch of his. The main character was a loner who had a dog to keep him company. The producer hated that fact.

Producer: It’s sickening how many writers take the easy way out and just give the guy a fucking pet, and we’re supposed to like him because of it.

Me: What else do you suggest?

Producer: No pets. Nobody cares about the fucking dog. It’s a cliche plot device. Guy pets a dog, we love him. Gimme a break. You can do better than that.

Me: I’ll figure something out.

Producer: And don’t try to swap the dog for a picture of his dead wife or he walks an old lady across the street or gives money to homeless person. Be original. Find an original way for us to like this guy.